Where to start, all I can say is that I'm so very very tired. Tired of everyday life. Of trying to fit into this world of human life. Having to deal with it, wanting to kill. Wanting to drink and drink and drink till, i have my lust full of it. Need to get away from this mortal life. Need to get away, far far away. Need the money to just leave and be alone for a few weeks. Alone from everyone b4 I just snap, b4 I say fuck it all and just go out and feed, feed till my lust is gone or at lest fufelled for a while. I can't handle any of this much longer. I having to speend more time in my ritual every day, just to keep from losing what little grip I have left. Trying to keep me from losing into the lust. In to my true nature of a hunter. Still not strong enough to force the vamp to change me. But feeling this pice of shit body failing a bit every day. Needing the darkend side of the ritual engery to keep my together. To keep this little bit of my humanity that I don't even want. Just want to give in, want to leave. Go out and fight, hunt for my servial as a vampire. Even if i'm not fully turned yet. I want the feeling of feedom. This being locked away in this world, locked in this life of normality. It's killing me. I hate every bit of it. I want nothing to do with any of this, any more. Eaither die from trying to feed something stronger than me or to finally win over it all. To be what I am, what I always was and hid it away. Do not care what ppl think, what ppl hear, what ppl do. Every one and everything look and smell like nothing but food. Sweet, warn, blood......Crave the fresh true blood of a human once more. More than just a little drop here and their. Need onces and ounces of the it running down my throut. Tasting and feeling their engergy fadding and entering me as I drain one.  Just can not handle, the sounds this mortal world make. Need it all gone, need to block it away. To turn it into something else, to turn it into pure rage.  Need toi feel free again........Some how, some way, I will find it agian, even if its in death. I will find it................